August 20, 1999 (Ira Pilgrim)

We Need Your Money

I like Republicans, have grown up with them, worked with them and would trust them with anything in the world, except public office.

Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

Today my wife left to go to Michigan for a week. When she leaves, I am usually depressed. The depression usually passes in a day or so. When I went to town, there was a letter in my post office box that had me chuckling all day and dispelled my gloom. It was from the Republican National Committee:

Dear Mr. Pilgrim,

I don't want to believe you've abandoned the Republican Party, but I have to ask... Have you given up?

Our records show we have not yet received your 1999 Republican National Committee membership contribution!

As Treasurer of the RNC, I know our Party's success depends directly on grassroots supporters like you. So I am surprised and concerned we've not yet heard from you this year.

I know other things come up, and perhaps you've just delayed sending your 1999 Republican Party membership contribution.

But the presidential election cycle has begun --and we need every loyal Republican to stand united!

The last time our Party held both the White House and Congress was 1953-1954. It's time to end the drought, elect a unified Republican team, cut taxes and enact our agenda of fiscal responsibility and common sense reform.

That's why it's so important for you to help support Republican candidates by sending your 1999 RNC membership contribution of $25, $38, or even $50 today!

It will be a long, tough battle. I'm sure you know that last year just 9,500 votes spread across six congressional districts was the slim margin by which we retains control of the U.S. House.

And now the Clinton/Gore/Big Labor machine is going all out to recapture control of Congress, elect ultra-liberal Dick Gephardt the next Speaker of the House, and deliver the White House to Bill Clinton's anointed successor in 2000.

The threat is real. And I think you know that everything we've worked so long and so hard to achieve...A balanced budget, lower taxes, cleaning up the IRS, welfare reform,Will be rolled back overnight if the Democrats regain complete control.

And on and on.....

Please renew your RNC membership today. Thank you.

Alec Pointevint, Treasurer

What's so funny about the Republican National Committee asking me for money? For one thing, I have been a registered Democrat for all of my life and the probability of me giving money to the Republican party is a little less that the chance of two feet of snow falling in Florida in July.

Why would they ask me for money? There are a few possibilities. The first is that one of my wacky kids, friends, or enemies thought that it would be a good joke; which it is. Another possibility is that the Watergate burglars accidentally misplaced a Democrat sucker list. Yes, they used to be called "sucker lists," but are now just called "lists." The third possibility is that the Democrats and Republicans exchanged lists, which would lead me to believe that the heads of both parties are even stupider than the people they have in congress. A fourth possibility is that someone played a dirty trick on the Republicans. My mind isn't weird enough to think of more possibilities.

I do wonder if Bill and Hillary Clinton, as well as Al Gore, have received a similar letter. After all, computers aren't particularly bright. They will send letters to whomever they are told to send letters to.

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