December 11, 1992

An Unauthorized Interview With The President Elect

...filled me with ineradicable distaste...for every variety of calisthenics, so that I still begrudge the exertion needed to climb in and out of the bathtub, and hate all sports as rabidly as a person who likes sports hates common sense. If I had my way no man guilty of golf would be eligible to any office of trust or profit under the United States, and all female athletes would be shipped to the white-slave corrals of the Argentine.

H.L. Mencken (1880-1956)

OBS: Governor, I understand that you jog every morning. What is it about jogging that you like?

CLINTON: Ah hate jogging! Ah'd much rather take a leisurely stroll in the park.

OBS: Then why do you do it?

CLINTON: It's all image and politics. If George Bush can do it at his age and minus his thyroid, ah have to show that ah'm as good as he is.

OBS: But you've won the election. You don't have to prove anything any more.

CLINTON: Don't you think ah have handsome legs?

OBS: If you wanted to show your legs, you could do it just by walking in shorts.

CLINTON: There are other reasons to jog. For one thing, ah want to keep those Secret Service boys on their toes. Besides, it's harder to hit a moving target.

OBS: You're not moving that fast.

CLINTON: Ah didn't mean dodging a bullet; ah meant dodging reporters.

OBS: You also play golf. Do you like that?

CLINTON: Not much; hitting a little ball with a stick isn't half as exciting as some other sports I know. But it is a good way to evaluate people. For example, just last week ah played golf with a man ah was considering for the job of Secretary of the Treasury. Ah noticed that at one hole, he hit the ball six times and marked down three on his score card. Ah wasn't sure if he was cheating, or if he just couldn't add. If he couldn't add, that would be a real handicap in Treasury. Later, when it came to figuring out the tip, he turned out to be a real wiz with numbers. He's gonna get the job.

OBS: If you don't like jogging or golf, how do you plan to stay in shape?

CLINTON: Come on, Ira; you're too old and too smart to ask me a dumb question like that. Actually, I thought that ah could stay in shape by jumping at conclusions.

OBS: What do you dislike the most?

CLINTON: Shaving and wearing a tie. But if ah let people see that, they'd think that they had a hippie president. Ah gotta think about four years from now. You ought to know by now that I like to win.

OBS: Do you win at golf?

CLINTON: With a 47 handicap, ah can't lose.

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