January 21, 1994

Note: A man named Bobbitt had his penis cut off by his wife. A surgeon successfully re-attached it.

Cut it Out!

Why do you stay with that sadist?

Beats me.

Johnny Hart

In the columnist trade, after all of the timely columns about a subject appears, comes one column which is thoroughly thought out. Such a column is called a "thumb sucker." This column is the ultimate Bobbitt thumb sucker.

There is a very old story about a man who had been playing around all over the world. On returning from China, he awoke one morning and noticed that his penis was blue. On the following day it had turned black. In terror, he called the medical society and was referred to a urologist. The urologist took one look and said "My God, gangrene of the penis! I'll reserve surgery for this afternoon and we'll amputate it. It's the only thing to do."

The man ran out of the office in terror. He thought, since he had acquired the condition in China, that maybe a Chinese doctor could help him. He went to Chinatown and located the oldest doctor he could find.

The old doctor looked at his penis and said, "Very interesting. Tell me why you, a young American, come to me, an old Chinese, when so many of your countrymen are able physicians?"

"What the American doctor wanted to do didn't appeal to me."

"Oh, what did your American doctor want to do?"

"He wanted to amputate my penis."

The Chinese doctor roared with laughter. "Amputate, indeed; these foolish Americans. Go home, young man, go home. In a week it will fall of by itself."

The hero of the Bobbitt case is the surgeon. To re-attach a penis, you don't just put it back on with Superglue, as you would with a Greek statue. All of the blood vessels and nerves have to be re-attached. This is done painstakingly under a microscope. If, as seems to be the case, Bobbitt has a functional penis, it is a small miracle attributable to the consummate skill of the surgeon. Any idiot can amputate a penis, but it takes a great surgeon to re-attach it. I am sure that Bobbitt's surgeon will be the main attraction at the next meeting of whatever society vascular surgeons present their most interesting cases. And he will deserve it.

Now to Mister and Missis Bobbitt. One of Pilgrim's Laws (I forget which number) is that if a couple remains married, they usually deserve one another. The Bobbitts are a dramatic proof of this law. It seems as if the amputation by Mrs. Babbitt of Mr. Bobbitt's penis is the coupe de grace that crowned their marriage. It would not surprise me if they get back together again --they are made for one another. The Bobbitts have a marriage made in heaven.

When the book royalties come in, not only will they be able to pay Mr. Bobbitt's medical bills, but they will be able to live on the proceeds for a long time. The movie should outsell The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. When the money runs out, he could make a living by exhibiting his twenty first digit in side shows. People will pay money to see the most famous penis in history.

If Mr. Bobbitt has a brain in his head, something which we have good reason to question, he will make sure that all of the knives in the house are dull, to prevent a repeat of the performance. Another alternative would be for him to acquire a jock strap made of chain mail. Come to think of it, you can buy an aluminum jock in most sporting goods stores. His wife will have greater problems finding a chastity belt.

In a world full of war, starvation, poverty, and all kinds of misery, we all owe a vote of thanks to the Bobbitts. They have brought joy and laughter into the lives of all of us; even though many of us males get a disconcerting twinge in the groin when we think about the incident.

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