August 7, 1998 Ira Pilgrim

An Interview With Dr. Gert

Dr. Gertrude Hockfleish was born in Dusseldorf, Germany. She received her Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Heidelberg. Her doctoral thesis was entitled Sexual Behavior of Employees of the Algemeine Sauerkraut Gesellshaft, G.m.b.H. She then moved to the United States, where she was immediately recognized as a world authority on sex. She has received honorary degrees from Harvard and Stanford. The interview took place on July 28,1998 at the Mendocino County Observer(MCO).

MCO: Dr. Hockfleish, how long have you been involved in sex research?

Dr. G: Please call me Gert.

MCO: Well, Gert....

Dr. G: No, no, no, not just Gert; Doctor Gert.

MCO: Dr. Gert, how long have you been involved in sex research?

Dr.G: Since before I was a student at the Gymnasium in Dusseldorf.

MCO: How much before?

Dr.G: I remember having a bit of sex play with a male classmate in kindergarten.

MCO: I mean formally, as a scholar of sex.

Dr.G: Oh, that; since 1970, when I started my graduate work in Heidelberg.

MCO: All over the world, there is a problem with sexually transmitted diseases. Do you think that sexually transmitted disease, especially AIDS, is going to reduce people's sexual activity?

Dr.G: It might reduce promiscuity a bit and it might also lead to greater use of the condom, but overall, people will continue to indulge as man's ancestors did when they were on all fours. Of course, people without enough intelligence to use condoms, may not be having sex for very long. There are always lucky people who will indulge and not get diseases. It's like the lottery; many play and only a rare person wins, but that doesn't stop people from playing. Of course, if everyone who played the lottery and lost, also lost his or her life, it might reduce the number of players.

MCO: Are you a player?

Dr.G: Do you mean the lottery, or sexual play?

MCO: You choose.

Dr.G: I don't play long shots, so that rules out the lottery. My sex life these days is mostly watching.

MCO: Then you've given up sex; why?

Dr.G: Well, as you said, there are diseases out there that can kill you, and I'm not ready to die. With the news being preoccupied with celebrity sex, I have no wish to read about my sex life in the tabloids. I certainly wouldn't want to be in the spot that Monica Lewinski is in.

MCO: Are you implying that you have been close to the president?

Dr.G: That's a dirty old man's question. I refuse to answer on the grounds of doctor-patient confidentiality.

MCO: In that case, would you tell me what you think of the Kenneth Starr's investigation?

Dr.G: I don't understand it. It couldn't happen anywhere else in the world. I can't conceive of any country paying someone to investigate the sex life of their head of state; particularly a schmuck like Starr.

MCO: He was hired to investigate a possibly crooked land deal in Arkansas. How did it get around to sex?

Dr.G: Could it be that the public is much more interested in the president's sex life than in his land deals? Sex is front page stuff and land deals go on page 4. Not only that, but just as a young man might want to be president, a young woman might want to have his greatness thrust into her. You should remember that, like Magic Johnson, celebrity confers no immunity to AIDS. Clinton's mark on history could be that he might be the first president to die of AIDS.

MCO: Then you think that Clinton is promiscuous?

Dr.G: If there's no fire with all of that smoke, I would be very surprised. It never surprises me that a man would take advantage of every opportunity that came his way to have sex. And a man with great power and celebrity is likely to have many more opportunities than most men. And that cute and zaftig Monica Lewinski could tempt a pope.

MCO: Do you think that people in this country are getting enough sex?

Dr.G: One can never get enough sex.

MCO: Then you think that more is better?

Dr.G: If more money is better, why not more sex?

MCO: Do you consider it proper to answer a question with another question?

Dr.G: Why not?

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