March 29, 1990

Sexual Etiquette

He: Nice to have had you.

She: Glad you could come.

An ex-madam has written a book on sexual etiquette. I guess that she figured that there was no difference between pandering to public taste and simply pandering. Besides, there's more money in a good-selling book and much less overhead.

Have I bought the book? --No!

Do I intend to buy the book? --No!

Would I take the book out of the library? --No!

Would you buy the book? --Probably not!

If I don't buy the book and you don't buy it, who will?


"Honey," she said, "I just bought this wonderful book on sexual etiquette."

"Do you want to learn to be more polite with me?" He replies.

"No, what I bought it for was so that you could read it."

"Am I doing something wrong?"

"Well....not exactly....that is....I mean..."


He: It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

She: You've been one of my steady customers for years; what's with the sudden politeness?

He: I read a book.

She: (laughing) You read a book?

He: Yeah; I read a book, what's wrong with that?

She: I like you just the way you are. Who needs a college perfessor? I want you to stay the uncouth slob that you've always been.

He: I don't give a damn what you think. I'm going to improve myself -IF YOU DON'T MIND!!!

She: Now I get it; you don't want to pay me any more!


"What are you reading?"

"Nothing that would interest you. By the way, that was a splendid night that we had two years ago last Easter."


"I think that those candy striped longjohns that you're wearing to bed are absolutely divine."


"That's a beautiful moon up there, darling."

"There sure are a lot of lovely dandelions in the lawn, my sweet."


"Honey, how would you like to try the Stanford position tonight?"

"No thank you, darling, I'm in a Harvard mood tonight."


Customer: "That girl Debby was wonderful in bed. You should be very proud of the girls in your fine establishment."

Madam: "Cash or credit card?"


Just in case you were wondering, the Stanford position is back to back. I have no idea what the Harvard position is.

Thank you very much for reading my column. I hope that you enjoyed it.

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