March 29, 1990
He: Nice to have had you.
She: Glad you could come.
An ex-madam has written a book on sexual etiquette. I guess that she figured that there was no difference between pandering to public taste and simply pandering. Besides, there's more money in a good-selling book and much less overhead.
Have I bought the book? --No!
Do I intend to buy the book? --No!
Would I take the book out of the library? --No!
Would you buy the book? --Probably not!
If I don't buy the book and you don't buy it, who will?
*
"Honey," she said, "I just bought this wonderful book on sexual etiquette."
"Do you want to learn to be more polite with me?" He replies.
"No, what I bought it for was so that you could read it."
"Am I doing something wrong?"
"Well....not exactly....that is....I mean..."
*
He: It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
She: You've been one of my steady customers for years; what's with the sudden politeness?
He: I read a book.
She: (laughing) You read a book?
He: Yeah; I read a book, what's wrong with that?
She: I like you just the way you are. Who needs a college perfessor? I want you to stay the uncouth slob that you've always been.
He: I don't give a damn what you think. I'm going to improve myself -IF YOU DON'T MIND!!!
She: Now I get it; you don't want to pay me any more!
*
"What are you reading?"
"Nothing that would interest you. By the way, that was a splendid night that we had two years ago last Easter."
*
"I think that those candy striped longjohns that you're wearing to bed are absolutely divine."
*
"That's a beautiful moon up there, darling."
"There sure are a lot of lovely dandelions in the lawn, my sweet."
*
"Honey, how would you like to try the Stanford position tonight?"
"No thank you, darling, I'm in a Harvard mood tonight."
*
Customer: "That girl Debby was wonderful in bed. You should be very proud of the girls in your fine establishment."
Madam: "Cash or credit card?"
*
Just in case you were wondering, the Stanford position is back to back. I have no idea what the Harvard position is.
Thank you very much for reading my column. I hope that you enjoyed it.