Untitled

March 29, 1990

Sexual Etiquette

He: Nice to have had you.

She: Glad you could come.

An ex-madam has written a book on sexual etiquette. I guess that she figured that there was no difference between pandering to public taste and simply pandering. Besides, there's more money in a good-selling book and much less overhead.

Have I bought the book? --No!

Do I intend to buy the book? --No!

Would I take the book out of the library? --No!

Would you buy the book? --Probably not!

If I don't buy the book and you don't buy it, who will?

*

"Honey," she said, "I just bought this wonderful book on sexual etiquette."

"Do you want to learn to be more polite with me?" He replies.

"No, what I bought it for was so that you could read it."

"Am I doing something wrong?"

"Well....not exactly....that is....I mean..."

*

He: It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

She: You've been one of my steady customers for years; what's with the sudden politeness?

He: I read a book.

She: (laughing) You read a book?

He: Yeah; I read a book, what's wrong with that?

She: I like you just the way you are. Who needs a college perfessor? I want you to stay the uncouth slob that you've always been.

He: I don't give a damn what you think. I'm going to improve myself -IF YOU DON'T MIND!!!

She: Now I get it; you don't want to pay me any more!

*

"What are you reading?"

"Nothing that would interest you. By the way, that was a splendid night that we had two years ago last Easter."

*

"I think that those candy striped longjohns that you're wearing to bed are absolutely divine."

*

"That's a beautiful moon up there, darling."

"There sure are a lot of lovely dandelions in the lawn, my sweet."

*

"Honey, how would you like to try the Stanford position tonight?"

"No thank you, darling, I'm in a Harvard mood tonight."

*

Customer: "That girl Debby was wonderful in bed. You should be very proud of the girls in your fine establishment."

Madam: "Cash or credit card?"

*

Just in case you were wondering, the Stanford position is back to back. I have no idea what the Harvard position is.

Thank you very much for reading my column. I hope that you enjoyed it.

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