September 9, 1990

In Favor of Segregated Restrooms

Hardly anybody RESTS in a Restroom!

With the exception of some dedicated readers, people do not REST in Restrooms. The euphemism "Restroom" is not used anywhere else in the world that I know of. The British use W.C.(water closet) and, to accommodate the British tourist, even in France one asks for the doubla-vay-say(WC) and in Germany(East and West) it is vay-tsay (WC). The Spanish seem more circumspect than the English, using "excusado". Both the men's and woman's Johns are masculine in Spanish.

If you expect a foreign phrase book or dictionary to tell you what to ask for when you have to urinate or defecate, forget it! Ask someone who speaks the language before you go or have to go. Those words have all been expunged from most dictionaries and phrase books. If you neglect to find out the proper words in advance, you can always cross your legs, blush and point to your groin. In France, even that may not work since there is no place to "rest" in a pissoir.

I have had occasion to use toilets in many parts of our nation and in all types of installations. Many, especially in gas stations, have been unsanitary enough to gag a maggot.

I have been in a Ladies Room only twice. Both times have been accidental and extremely embarrassing. Consequently, I haven't inspected them in any detail. Are there female Slobs as well as male Slobs? My wife, on reading this, informs me that there definitely are female Slobs and describes, in lurid detail, the atrocities she has seen in school-girl's restrooms. However, her main restroom complaint has to do with males who leave the toilet seat up in restrooms used by both sexes.

One of my daughters informed me that she usually goes to the toilet without turning on the lights, since (unlike a male) she doesn't have to see where she's going. When I spend the night at her home, she has been surprised to find herself sitting on cold porcelain instead of warm wood. I now try to remember to lower the seat --it's the humane thing to do.

It is obvious to me that there should be separate facilities for Slobs. Further, male children should use the Slob Restroom until they have learned to lift a seat and hit the inside of the bowl.

I further believe that Slobs should be forced to wear a large letter "S" on the front and back of their clothes and, in case they go about partly naked, should have the letter S" tattooed on their chest and back.

It would not be necessary to have separate male and female Slob Restrooms. One would suffice --unless female Slobs demanded equal treatment.

The design of a Slob Restroom should be different from that of a regular Restroom. The urinal should be designed as was the one in the old elementary school that I attended. It consisted of a slate wall covering the whole side of the room, with water running down it into a trough that ran its whole length and thence to the sewer drain. It was almost impossible to miss the wall.

The crapper (named for Thomas Crapper, inventor of the flush toilet) should be designed Japanese-style and should consist of a drain hole, with marked places for the feet and a pole to hold on to. The foot pads should be made of smooth tile and should be slippery when wet. The floor and walls should be tiled so that the proprietor of the establishment can hose the whole thing down at suitable intervals, to reduce the odor.

Instead of toilet paper and paper towels, something similar to the roller-towel should be designed as an all-purpose wiping and drying tool. It need not be changed very often, since the Slobs wouldn't notice the difference.

Being a reasonable man, I believe that if a Slob decides to change his ways, he should be allowed to discard his letter "S" and have the tattoo surgically removed.

My scheme probably wouldn't work. The Slobs would organize and pretty soon there would be a case before the Supreme Court alleging discrimination on the basis of personal habits. There might even be a constitutional amendment proposed which grants equal rights to Slobs. It's the American way!

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