Untitled

July 3, 1992

Saturday At Home With Dr. Mulch

A one act play

Characters:

Dr. Willoughby Mulch, Superintendent of Schools of Emerald County, California.

Freddy Mulch, his 17 year old son.

Time: Saturday, mid-morning

Scene: The garden of the Mulch home. Dr.Mulch is weeding his rose garden. His son Freddy approaches.

Freddy

Gee, Dad, the roses are beautiful.

Dr. Mulch

They're doing remarkably well since I put that new organic fertilizer on them.

Freddy

Willy and I are going to MacDonalds and then we're going to take in a movie.

Dr. Mulch

Have a good time. Remember that we're going to the Smiths tonight for a barbecue.

Freddy

I'll be home by six.... Can you spare ten?

Dr. Mulch

Ten what?

Freddy

Ten bucks.

Dr. Mulch

Do you want the ten dollars as a loan or a grant?

Freddy

Does it make a difference?

Dr. Mulch

All the difference in the world. If it's a loan, I give you the ten and you pay me back at the end of the month. If it's a grant, you'll have to fill out some forms.

Freddy

Come on, dad, all I want is ten bucks.

Dr. Mulch

It isn't the money; I can afford ten dollars. It's a matter of my helping you to prepare for the things that you will encounter in the real world. You'll have to learn to fill out grant applications if you're to get the money you need to do what you want to do.

Freddy

But I'm not going to be a teacher or an administrator; I'm going to be a marine biologist.

Dr. Mulch

By the time you get your degree, you'll have to fill out a grant application to get the air for your scuba tanks.

Freddy

(looking at his watch) Willy won't be here for an hour. What do you want me to do?

Dr. Mulch

OK; go to the computer and type out the application. You'll need a title for the project, your project goals, who the personnel will be, methods and procedures, the amount of money needed and a budget.

Freddy leaves and returns half an hour later.

Dr. Mulch

(perusing the typed application) Freddy, this is very good. For a beginner, you show a real aptitude for education. mmm....Title: Cinemato-gustatorial Study...very fine.... Goals: Nutrition and its relationship to weekend recreation.... super, Freddy....Your personnel list and the methods and procedures leave something to be desired; but all in all it's a very good first grant application....What's this? Budget: $10,000...Cheeseburgers, Malts, Pizza, submarine sandwiches, travel to the Academy Awards and Europe... I thought you only needed ten bucks.

Freddy

It wasn't worth the work for just ten bucks, so I thought I'd try for a bundle.

Dr. Mulch

(handing him a bill) Here's a grant of ten dollars. I'm very proud of you, son. You have a fine future ahead of you. If it wasn't for the anti-nepotism laws, I'd offer you a job this minute.

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